Thursday, January 2

2014: Walking Forth in Freedom.

I keep going back and forth as to whether or not I should share as to why I have been rather silent on this blog for the last 10 months. I don't want to sugar coat it. I don't want to but a smile on and pretend that everything was just roses.

It was a dark time in my mind, heart, and life. And let me just say this, those closest to me didn't even know the half of it. My mind was a battlefield of terrible anxieties vying for my every attention. I have always been one to admit that I have had problems with fear, worry, and anxiety. Crippling at times. When I am not in times of worry, I often identify it as my thorn in my flesh. And that is just what it is.

To be specific, my worry and anxiety tend to lean more on the side of hypochondria. In the past, I made every effort to eliminate triggers that would cause me to begin to panic and worry. Triggers such as not getting on WebMD and not watching medical dramas. But you can only curb the triggers not completely eliminate triggers because sickness and health issues are everywhere.

Two of my biggest/longest episodes of anxiety/hypochondria have began when people very close to me have been diagnosed with different aliments. So at a time when I could be praying for that person and ministering to them, I am fully engrossed in whether or not I have that aliment or any other sickness under the sun. How selfish. How like the enemy to attack when we are at our most vulnerable.

And just as I type those words above, I cringe because I am letting you into my ugly. As I step out of of these times of anxiety, I thank the Lord for those times and I will share more about that later.

With all of that said, the last 10+ months I have been in one of those fear and anxiety ridden episodes. I had days in which I was able to put worries on the back burner and enjoy life. Then I had days in which it took every ounce in me not to panic. Panic attacks happened and many tears when cried. It started when a very real health scare happened to me. Those closest to me tried their hardest to reassure me, but I would not have anything of it. I just sat in my fear.

That fear caused me to not want to write, not want to create, not want to connect with others, etc.

Multiple doctors appointments where made (over the course of the last 10 months) and worried about all the way up until the doctor assured me everything was ok in October.

But as I was walking through those anxiety ridden weeks and months, I was being refined. The Lord was working. The Lord was using those days to draw me even closer to him. My prayer was for freedom from the fear and worry. I wanted (and still do) to so desperately to be as the women described in proverbs "who laughs at the future."

I want to be a wife and mother that is ever present and is not shackled by her fears.

That is still my prayer because it is a process. But I believe I am on the other side now.

Now, I am praising the Lord that everything is ok. And I am praising him for those months of refinement.

Here's to 2014: a year of breaking free of the fear and worry.

More to come.


Stephanie Johnson said...

Praising The Lord for His faithfulness in your life! Thank you for your honesty! May God bless this new year for you!

Nicole Joelle said...

Girl, I'll be praying for you as you walk through all of this, and more specifically, for freedom from it. thank you for sharing + being open--I know that takes courage.

Stephanie Hart said...

Your honesty and vulnerability is beautiful. I too struggle with fear and anxiety, especially about medical issues! You're not alone, friend. Love you and stay open to the good work of a Lord who loves you.

Beth Beutler said...

I could have written part of this post myself. Thank you for sharing. I also use the term "triggers" so it is comforting to hear someone else identify with it as well. My word for 2014 is HOPE and it's already off to a better start. Here's to a worry-less year for you as well!

rachel morris said...

So beautiful.
Thankful for the Lord's beautiful plans for your life! :)

It's a wonderful triumph when you are able to praise Him for refinement. Even though the process is trying, the result is spectacular! Thanks for sharing your heart and encouraging others with this post! :)

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