Monday, November 19

my notes. #thesamepage link up (week 1)

today, i am linking up with the #thesamepage community for our first ever linkup. we are reading through "grace for the good girl" by emily p. freeman.


when i first heard emily freeman at the influence conference back in october...my heart and mind were rocked. 
just like her words she spoke at influence...this book has spoken amazing truths over me and i have only read through the introduction and first chapter.

i have read over the words meticulously multiple times. highlighted. and underlined. shook my head in agreement. smiled thinking "she is writing this directly to me...to my heart."  i have read portions to my husband to share what is going on in my heart constantly because it is so me. 

see, i have always struggled with giving myself grace. why? i honestly cannot pin point the reason why i struggle with it. actually one reason... 

i am a people-pleaser. i struggle with it daily. i hate confrontation and conflict. nothing gives me more anxiety than knowing that in some way i am letting down someone else. that someone else my be a friend, a loved one, an authority figure, or even a complete stranger. 

the anxiety that i have when i feel like i have let someone down at times, cripples and overwhelms me.

one of "underlined, starred, highlighted, arrowed" sections of my copy of "grace for the good girl" is this..."I believe women need to talk about the ways we hide. the longing to be known, the fear in the knowing. Beyond that, I believe in the life-giving power of story, in the beauty of vulnerability, and in the strength that is found in weakness."

my weakness(es) i am a people-pleasing, try-harder, perfectionist that is desperate for a source outside of herself. ((and those are just to name a few.))

i am blessed to say that i know the source: Jesus Christ. but, i daily toil in experiencing the amazing grace that come when i laying down and abandoning my pride and revealing my many weaknesses. 

instead i hide. and just like emily wrote, "the hiding has kept me silent in relationships when I could have spoken out. It has kept me paralyzed with fear and anxiety when I could have danced in freedom. And this prison of self-protection has kept me from receiving the boundless, unfathomable gracious love of Christ." - 

the hiding has only hurt me. and to be honest, i am tired of hiding. i am exhausted from it. 

just like emily, i so want to manage other people's opinions of me. i want them to find me fun, smart, beautiful, and put together. i want them to find me worthy of their friendship and their love. 

i don't want to be rejected. i have felt deeply (like many others) too often. throughout middle school. high school. college. and yes, all the way into adulthood. 

and i honestly don't say that to have a pity party. i am owning it. i am owning up to my fear of rejection.  because the few sentences in the first chapter of this book that brought tears to my eyes and explained my heart perfectly: "this fear of rejection drives me hard, eating away at my courage. And so I am cautious in my love. I am timid in my faith. My life tells a small story. I long to be seen, BUT I feel safe when I am invisible."

and that is just it. this is where i am at this point of my life: i feel safe when i am invisible. 

all that to say, ultimately i know that i have a God that knows my hurts, my failures, and my struggles, yet loves me and delights in me. 

& i am so thankful emily p. freeman wrote this book and decide to share her story. because it is rocking my world. 

6 comments:

Lindsy said...

You are definitely not alone! I struggle with that same insecurity that I thought would somehow disappear in adulthood. I was wrong. :-) I am really looking forward to reading this book now! Thanks for sharing your heart here!

meg said...

this is so, so, SO good. i connect and relate to your words so much. thank you for sharing in such an honest and raw way. we need to connect + share, girl!! :)

Bridget Schmidt said...

I relate to just about everything you've said, especially not wanting to let anyone down. It does make this journey easier traveling with others. Thanks for sharing.

Megan said...

So, so good. Thanks for sharing your words.

Bri @ Mod Memento said...

So excited to be reading this book at the same time as you! And your blog is absolutely beautiful! :) Bri

jennifer visser said...

wow. i am not reading this book.. but it's on my wish list for christmas. i am so thankful for your honesty and openness. i adore your genuine heart and so badly wish we could talk much more over a cup of coffee! ahh. i pray that we will see each other again sometime!!

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